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Two Holdups

My summer was packed with the kind of experiences for which I had been pining like a damn pine tree. I went to places beautiful and sacred to me. I worked hard with old and new friends to focus on and build stuff we believe in. I had adventures. I was in a zone where I simply didn’t give into self doubt. I felt tapped into what I know and love about what I do because the trust in my abilities flowed internally and externally.

There’s a culture of deifying a place like Camp. I know I do that. But I was reminded in a great conversation that it is, after all, “just a place.” While that’s true, it’s not easy to practice internalizing that. I want to practice, though. The hope is, it would become easier to believe what I’m capable of there, is possible here. Who I’m inspired to be can be carried with me wherever.

That's nice. It’s going to take consistent practice to make that kind of dream true and real. But it’s been on my mind, a lot.

What’s the holdup?

I’m up to my old tricks. I don’t like it. I told myself, this time would be different. And yes: I’m being too hard on myself. I'm expectant to rapidly change everything I struggle with. In the interest of hopefully turning some new leaves, we begin with acceptance:

Social Isolation. I’m good when I’m social, which is seldom. I have in my planner a growing list of people I am begging myself to text. Somehow, every single day this week, I have consistently de-prioritized, just plain avoided texting any of them. Some friends I did text, and then didn't follow up. I don't like it. I can tell myself all day to get around to reaching out, and I don't.

This is causing a traffic jam that has to do with the other hangup:

Doing and Sharing More. I got another little nudge today, reminding me that good things happen when I do and share more of the stuff I'm good at. And while I will qualify this by being happy for myself that I have been writing here for a couple weeks, you must know by now that I'm feeling the pull to do a whole lot more I’d like to be doing.

I have a lot of excuses. I am anxious about how to make money every second of the day, I need to get out of the house more often, I have dishes and laundry to do. You know.

When I was in West Virginia with Patch, he would repeatedly refer to his big Top 3 for Happiness: Friends, Nature and The Arts.

It feels like a Top 3 Things I’m So Committed to Avoiding. Even though my summer was full of these 3, and it was a consistently, remarkably happy time for me!

Piggy Backing off of yesterday’s Giftness idea: I believe greater happiness, evolution and a sense of what to do next will come from sharing, protecting and prioritizing my resources. Sharing myself with my friends, sharing my creativity, and sharing nature (haven’t really thought about how this one would work..who wants to take a walk in the park?).

Anyway. Not trying to be too hard on myself here, but I feel push coming to shove. I'm getting impatient that I'm not allowing myself to be courageous in big and small ways.

I wrote very recently about how much friends and friendship means to me. Well………show them! Show yourself, Riley! This is essential.

I keep writing about how important it is to create and share. Well…….when are you gonna start the thing?

It’s coming. And (telling myself here) it’s going to be okay if it starts small and messy.

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