Starting A Patreon (pt 1)
On Saturday I sat and watched yet another video in search of the magic words that would give me the courage to do my thing. Here's the big takeaway. Art works because of tension. The tension of "it might not work." The tension of "I'm a fraud." The tension of "I don't know what I'm going to do if it doesn't work." I've spent time, year in and out, seeking a clear path. Confirmation, permission. Sharing risk-free output in exchange for predictable success. Something that we now refer to as content. Not art.
I have wanted to do work I believe in, but only once I can feel safe enough for it to be up to my impossible standards, while also being wholly lovingly received. As Stone Cold would say, EH EH!
Let's say the conditions lined up conveniently enough for me to work and be rewarded that way. Well then, that's not really a creative leap. It wouldn't be a reach of courage or faith or curiosity. The fear lies in putting myself out there in a new way. I'm not good at getting out of my own way. I'm over here catastrophizing unbearable responses of silence, ridicule, criticism, doubt, all of the above or just plain ending up with something not as good as I had hoped.
As long as all of these things I'm trying to avoid loom in my imagination, I can rationalize my lack of action by telling myself not finding out hurts less than fucking around.
But it's all lies. It's easy to lie and say I'm not ready. Or to say I'll be ready if / when I'm more qualified, a better storyteller, smarter, more more more. Never enough.
I'm writing this out to make it real somewhere besides the creeping feelings when I think about what I want. My hope is sharing this will shrink this wall down to something I can walk over.
The thing is, you know my style. You know what I like to make. The projects ahead aren't even that big or heavy. But I've built it up as this impenetrable boulder. I can already tell: once I get comfortable sharing, you'll probably be like, "Okay...? Is this what you were so nervous about getting right? Cool. Go, Riley."
It's going to be small, but something I care about. Small, but something I'm excited to share. Small, but maybe one day it could be meaningful to me and those who participate.
I've waited long enough. It's just time to start with a mess, see where it goes, see who has something to say. I want to be good at The Pitch. But I think I just need to dump it all out and refine later. Hence, this week of messy ass blog posts.
If you know my style from hanging out with me on Googy Morning!, you know that the most fulfilling aspect was the participatory upward spiral we built together. And that's what I'm hoping we can make with this new thing. I'll make us a place where we can bat around the stuff I bring to the table, then exchange our ideas. Rinse, repeat. Could be good!