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really?

I'm not fishing for compliments. But I have to wonder.


A nice and kind friend wanted to see my latest videos, so I sent him some and he called them excellent. I don't see it. Sure, I'm happy I made them. It's been a long time since I have. But I see poor quality, from the technical side of things to the ideas, to the execution of the ideas.


I just want to get better. I want to make something great. It's hard to do it alone, especially when I'm so thoroughly unimpressed and unsatisfied with what I'm doing.


What is it that I'm even doing over here? I feel like what I "do" barely even has a place to garner interest. I look at my videos and I feel like this kind of homemade sketch comedy, or the audience for it, has dried up. Or it has evolved into something I don't understand anymore. To me, my videos feel dated. I make some 1 minute video for YouTube, then I pick up my phone and watch 15 second flashes of ideas on TikTok and all I can do is watch it in a stupor, unable to track how to emulate what I'm seeing.


I have to be careful. Because it's not like these are actual problems worth getting upset over. They're merely low-stakes challenges. Working on some kind of career as a comedy maker as the whole world gets smaller and tighter. What a goofball.

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