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doubt

As far back as I can remember, I have doubted myself. I've doubted my talent, my chances at making anything of myself, my inherent goodness, everything. It's exhausting and frustrating. It's time consuming and very cumbersome.


I just want to take a moment to thank everyone who I have turned to in times of doubt. My parents, my brother, my wife, my friends. Complete strangers who I've met, only knowing me through the things I've said or done on stage. I've shocked some people with the pretty drastic gap between who the performer and the characters.


I wish I didn't have to air out my doubtful feelings. Because it often turns into a speech about how I am good, I'm loved, et cetera. It is encouraging, it does soothe the ache. I'm not fishing for compliments though. Sometimes I just have to let out that this, whatever this is, is difficult.


This path I'm on. It's uncertain, it's tiring, it's falling down over and over. It can be demoralizing that for me, the only viable way forward is something that doesn't actually seem very viable when you do the math. But I've made it past enough checkpoints to know that I can't discount everything I've done.


Once again: Thank you for lifting me up when I'm being a downer. I want nothing more than to be the opposite for you. It's hard not to be upset about the level of maintenance it takes to stay up. Thank you for your assistance. I couldn't have done it without you.

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