Today is a deadline day. To stay on pace, I must have 60% of the boot camp’s pre-work completed. I’m hovering at around 55%. My brain is fried. I’ve had multiple Zoom calls with school staff members to talk me through the work. It's upsetting to feel so frustrated constantly. I have questioned my ability to endure this. I've been reassured by plenty of people. Everybody acknowledges the steep learning curve. Everyone struggles with the pace, workload and the nature of this work. It's not a walk in the park.
It feels very, very hard and frustrating me to not comprehend something. I do not like the feeling of remaining confused after multiple people are patiently, graciously talking me through the minute details. I can feel myself getting angry and impatient. I lose my drive to hold focus and try to understand. This is where I am faltering today. I want to make this pattern of behavior unfamiliar.
I get so serious. I know the speed at which the new information is going to dramatically increase once school begins. I need to loosen up. My determination to remain calm and open to the learning experience feels like a dwindling resource. It would do me good to find a way to tap into some mindset that would keep me grounded, even when met with confusion after confusion.
The real answer is more practice. Repetition. I'll get it eventually.
I tried telling myself what I wrote yesterday. It’s not hard, it’s new. It didn’t help much. New is hard. I just need to keep going. That’s all there is to do. I've burned the ship I sailed in on. This is the choice.